it might not make sense
Faith is delusional.
It’s crazy. I swear, it is.
I don’t know how not to have something to hold on to again. That post that was trending of the woman who lost her child and went to pray again, I don’t know if I have that Faith.
Maybe I’ve not been met with that condition yet. But I’ve been asking myself faith questions. I’ve been approaching God with, “do you think I have that Faith?”
I remember an article I wrote in 2021, it was the 9th month after waiting for a particular admission for 9 months! I waited, prayed, fasted, and brought everyone to pray with me. I faithed it, but it didn’t come.
I will sit at the edge of my bed, angry at how much God knows I needed the admission and why I had to go through all that. I had anxiety episodes and panic attacks, I was breaking down everywhere.
But then I remembered that when I needed God’s saving grace the most, he didn’t turn his back on me. That miracle was as instant as a second.
I had gone through months of depression. Then a breakup, and then I attempted drugging myself to death. Then there was the morning I sat down in our sitting room, listening to what my father had to say during the family devotion. It felt as though it was new. I’ve heard it before, but it was new that day. In genuineness, I cried my entire soul begging God for mercy and how if it needed that I should believe, I would. I did. An entire burden was lifted that day. It felt like I had healed from everything that I was going through. But did I really? I had been agnostic prior to then.
Sometimes, I don’t know what I’m holding on to when I start feeling a type of way again, but I know to go on my knees. I don’t know how else to tell people that it’s crazy to believe in someone you can’t see. You just have an inner witness that keeps telling you this invisible hand or person is in existence. It’s what is carrying you. And you really can’t save yourself.
I’ve prayed total surrender prayers because my life doesn’t make sense to me one bit. And block roads are plenty, but I’m more assured that I will definitely be fine. I will remind God daily that “you see this girl here; she’s weak. If you don’t help her, how do you want her to get on?” And end it with the confession “your grace is sufficient for me.”
It doesn’t make sense but I’ll rather be crazy. I’ll rather have to hold on to this than hold on to nothing. Faith is delusional. It might seem you’re mad. You just might be.
But that’s the point.
