twenty-three

Twenty-three years of my life looks like a century. But each time, I realise how much growth have had in my life and how much these things are majorly the reason that has brought me to be what I am and what I’m pushing again.

Just last week, I wrote in my note pad how I am now dreaming again. Prior to this year, the rejections have had has brought me low. I’ve doubted myself so much, so much that I beat myself up at every opportunity I’ve missed. At every chance I have brought myself to do bold things, I get replies that make me feel not enough. I don’t have big dreams. I only want to take us spaces that would apply to me and be impactful to people, and it just feels impossible but I’m doing this again, with my chest not only ready to receive all the rejections it might bring but also, the significance it will make when I eventually get there.

I’ve gone from pillar to post with emotions. I’ve moved from hurt to hate to anger and I’ve moved back to love because negative emotions are not always worth it. This has happened many times, and I have learned from it. I’ve learnt how to be expressive when someone hurts me and also how to let myself go of some people because dwelling in hurt has never helped me.

I’ve only just reinforced my stand that I might never be the mastermind behind anything. I would only be available to help others to achieve their goals. Like Aaron was to Moses, that is who I am to people. Not like I’ve not tried to build, but building is not my forte and life has taught me that everyone cannot build. Some would be builders, others would be designers, some would do the work within the building, while others would live in the building. I might have found my place. I’m just trying to look at where it would fit in and stay.

My opinions on religion might have changed. There are things I’ve finally come to accept and that I’m going to be holding to that have been based on convictions that I have debated. Opinions change, people change. I own up to things I have said before and I’m currently owning up to this new me I have discovered. Biblical doctrines I had struggled to accept, I’m already easing into. If I decide to own up to my Christianity, I should be able to live up to the tenets that I’m convinced of and that is on what side you would now find me.

My politics will not change. I might not be one of those who would radically defend ideologies anymore. I’m dropping dogmas that I’ve held on to. I will only dwell on the convictions such ideologies have made me have. It feels easier and saner that way.

My friendships have now grown. We can easily communicate feelings and talk for hours. Howbeit not very frequent because life is doing what it does, but just enough to show how much we can be there for each other. My friends have been very helpful and I don’t take any of those moments for granted.

For 23, I hope to attend the church I love, earn more money to give, and buy my friends’ gifts, buy more clothes and go out and maybe travel for fun(my inside life is already becoming a thing of worry for me), take on new jobs away from the path I have been in the last two years and find love because I want.

It’s my birthday and I’m excited about what this new year would bring.

Send me money.

XX ❤

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