“What happened to you?”
The vision was a promise, was it not? that the light in me will not be extinguished. The Largeness would not shrink away. I would yet become visible in this world — Ana, The Book of Longings.
I had not spoken to this friend in a very long while, but he noticed that my line of thought had changed, and when he asked what had happened to me, I knew what exactly had happened.
I’m coming into my being.
I’m struggling with many things I’m finding hard to accept. I’m asking questions and feeding my curiosity. It’s the most positive thing I’ve done for myself. One time, I saw that “curiosity is the tool of the devil”, and I was taken aback by whatever it meant and scared to find out on doubts I had. It was as if it was almost impossible to be a person of faith and find out about all the additional questions that were bothering you. I’m now coming into myself, accepting my ways, methods, beliefs, and convictions — upholding them and becoming gentle with myself while believing that these things I’m holding dear can probably evolve.
I’m giving myself grace.
The thing with extending grace to others is that sometimes, you start posturing that you forget to extend grace to yourself. You are now the star girl for love and light while forgetting that you are human and do not know how to show grace to yourself. I beat myself up for many things, but I’m learning to be gentle with myself. If this grace that is so worthy is to be extended to anybody, I’m starting with myself first.
I know what I want, and I’m doing it.
Praying for me always involved reminding God that I needed clarity. This time, I’m seeing what is in front of me and going for it. I’m sitting still and showing myself that I will do it even if it is not perfect. I started a new Instagram page to begin a content creation journey, and I bought a ring light and tripod to do the content, and I will do the video editing. I’m on my way to purchasing a new phone for better content. I’m preparing cold pitches to freelance for some organizations I admire. I will keep surprising myself and drink wine while I’m at it.
What happened to me? I’m evolving. That the longings in me will be filled, even though not totally — that I get satisfaction in what I’m doing. That life is not a straight path and that I may become a wanderer, leaving where I am now and seeing new things and people so that I can decide for myself if to stay or if to go. What happened to me? I’m choosing and hoping I’m making the best choices.
“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from, with new eyes and extra colours. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
– TERRY PRATCHETT
